Memorizing

He doesn't know this, but I'm memorizing my husband.

Memorizing his smile.
Memorizing his face.
Memorizing his voice.
Studying his hands.
Watching his walk.
Soaking in his hugs.
Saving his voice mails.
Capturing his laugh.
Appreciating his calming presence.
Listening to his wisdom.
Memorizing the way he fathers.

He doesn't think I've noticed.
He's memorizing us too.

Enjoy the Week!

Last night, I loved the Air Force. Loved being a military wife. Loved pilots. Loved America.
What a cool experience to sit with hundreds of the nation's top military performers.
Last night, we were ready to make the sacrifice.

Today, not so cool.
Not ready.
We're down to a week. One week.
I always dread the dread that I feel the week leading up to a deployment.
The week before is worse than the actual leaving.
His list says it all:

Update wills.
Power-of-attorney.
Notification update.
Gather insurance/investment papers. Put in one envelope.
Pillowcases with kids pictures.
Pack bags.
Fix downstairs shower.
Have Christmas.
Write notes to kids.
Single dates with each child.
Take Michelle out for coffee.
Ice Skate at Crown Center as a family.
Call parents and grandma.
Learn how to Skype.
Take anti-malaria medicine.

Don't forget to enjoy the week.

Yeah, right.
One thing I've never fully learned as a military wife is how to enjoy the week they are leaving.
I have no idea how to do that.

I could use a little wisdom here, Lord!

Do Overs

There's several things in my life I'd like to do over.
Sometimes I just long to do certain things over again...and do them differently.

I'd like to have one more opportunity for conversation with a young woman who was sharing some decisions she was making for her life. She was doomed for heartbreak...baring her soul to a stranger, me. I listened. My silence, I'm afraid, affirmed her path...affirmed her sinfulness. I'd like a "do over." I wish I would have lovingly shared God's truth. I really, really want to do over that conversation with her. I can't even remember her name.

I'd like a "do over" with a friend from high school. I would have been faithful to my friend. I wish our paths had stayed crossed. It was my fault. I wish I could do that over.

I'd like to "do over" my dating. I'd date less.
I'd like to "do over" my first years of being a parent. I'd stay home more.

Mostly though my "do overs" involve a longing over the times that I didn't fully, unabashedly run the race marked out for me. When I failed to fully embrace whatever it is that God had me in at the moment. A longing to return to situations and trust the Lord more. I'm saddened at the times I didn't fully live in the moment. Some stages I remember just wishing they would be over.
I'd like to go back and really live through them.
To really learn the lessons.
I see God when I look in the rear view mirror.
I regret not seeing Him at the time.

Truly, many days I go to bed wishing I could do the day over...better.

What do you do with the the desire for a "do over"? What do you do with regrets? Surely everyone has some. Surely everyone has something they wish they could do again...and do differently. Is anyone perfectly thrilled with the way they've lived life?

I woke up yesterday morning in Vegas longing for a "do over."
My stomach ached for a "do over."
We're here..in Vegas...witnessing a USAF Weapons School graduation.
A patch night.
It's a big deal. Six months of intense training for some of the top pilots in the Air Force.
They have left their families for six months, been broken down by their instructors, and finally built back up to be even better pilots, better leaders.
They get a simple patch for this training.
One patch.
It means nothing to anyone outside the military.
Everyone in the military knows what it means though.
It means you actually graduated from Weapons School.
It means you're pretty good at what you do.
There's lots of celebrating. Lots of parties. The honor is just as much for the families as it is for the pilot. The families sacrificed. This is their time to also enjoy the honor. They proudly stand beside their pilot knowing they played a crucial role in their success.
I'm watching this all happen for another young man in our squadron.
He's so relieved. His family so proud of him.
I want a "do over."

I'd like to "do over" my husband's graduation from Weapons School.
Eight years ago we were here celebrating this same accomplishment.
We sacrificed six months for this patch. We actually sacrificed much more than the time.
The families who go through this know that's true. The sacrifice is much greater than six months. The patch is costly to the family.
It's the promise of a different lifestyle, a faster pace, and a greater responsibility.
We stood at graduation side by side, yet a million miles apart.
We stood on the brink of complete destruction.
We barely spoke. We barely celebrated. We barely looked at each other.
The weekend was merely the tip of our regretful decisions.
I'd like to do that weekend differently.
Goodness I'd like to do the whole six months over.

As I wrestled yesterday morning with all these waves of regrets about our own personal experience, I begged God "What do I do with this? What do I do with all these emotions right now?"

A little whisper.
Do it over.
Wait. What?
Do it over.

That simple answer for me. God is so good.
He brought me back to Vegas for a "do over."
It's not my husband's graduation. It's not our patch night.
But I get a "do over." I am getting to do Weapons School graduation with my husband all over again. And I'm doing it differently.

Sometimes we do get "do overs." Sometimes we don't.
Lamentations 3:23 "His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."

I often feel a great longing over the daily issues that I miss. For instance, not fully listening to my son sharing details about a video game. Not reading my daughter a book that she really wants me to read. I'm reminded that God's mercies are new every morning.
Every day is a "do over."
Some things I really can do over.
I can listen to my son today when he tells me about the video game.
I can read the book to my daughter today that I was "too busy" to read yesterday.
Today, I can fully run the race marked out for me.

Tonight, I can go to Weapons School graduation and this time I'm going to be proud of my husband.
God is so good.
I don't deserve this "do over."
God is just that good.

So what about the things that we can't do over?
I found comfort in the very same verse that offered me today's joy of the "do over."

Lamentations 3: 19-24
"I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall.
I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me.
Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:
Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself. 'The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him.'"

As we remember, we don't need to be consumed by our affliction and our wandering.
Our downcast souls that struggle with regrets need to find joy in this verse,
"His compassions never fail. They are new every morning!"

And sometimes we get a "do over."
I can't tell you how thankful I am for this gift.

Rest for My Soul

Psalm 62:1-2 "My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken."

My soul finds rest in God alone.
Maybe that's why I'm shaken. My soul is resting on something not promised to give me rest.

Often I find my soul searching for a place to land. A safe place to rest. Whatever I'm resting on, might give me relief for a while, deluding me into believing that somehow I'm secure. Yet, God graciously shakes and reminds me that only He can provide true rest. True security for my soul.

Where am I resting, Lord? Why am I shaken?

I've tried resting on my husband. That works for a while. A short while.
As much as my husband meets many of my needs, he just wasn't created for me. Just to serve me. Just to make my life easier. Just to worship me. Bummer. Too much resting on my husband leaves both of us weary and empty. Plus, he's leaving in a couple weeks. No resting on him once he's gone. And even if he wasn't leaving, I have no promise that he will be given to me tomorrow. Resting on him will always disappoint.

My soul keeps searching.

My parents. Stable, loving, and secure. I can lean into them and rest. Yet, all around me I find friends faced with the reality that their parents are mortal. They will not live forever. Resting on their support is temporary. It will provide no true longlasting relief to my soul.

The search continues.

Healthy, happy children. Thank you, Jesus. Not a promise. Not a guarantee. Leaning on the blessing of my healthy, loving children is unsustainable. Even as I lean into that one a bit, I find my soul resisting. It knows that there's no promise of tomorrow. I'd love to find a Bible verse that promised me tomorrow with my children, but it's not there. These little ones aren't meant to bear the weight of my soul.

What else? Where else can I rest?

Financial security. There's a job. There's a paycheck. Our needs are met. We have a home, food, clothing. I can't have everything I want, but I can have some things I want. Surely I can rest on this security. Yet, I watch our investments fall and the cost of living rise and recognize that this "pseudo" security is such a facade. It will pass away. It could be taken at any minute.

No wonder my soul's searching. If these "good" things cannot sustain, where can I rest?
Where is there rest for the person who can't cling to any of these other things?

Psalm 63:8 "My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me."
Psalm 62:1 "My soul finds rest in God alone."

I love the vision of my soul clinging to the Lord.

Sometimes you just have to climb up in His lap and cling to Him.
The true giver of peace. The Only One who is capable of soothing our souls.
Hide in the shadow of His wings and rest in the promise that when all else fades, fails, disappoints, and deploys that He is our fortress that WILL NEVER BE SHAKEN.

What would it feel like if I truly believed that I was resting in a fortress that would never be shaken?
My soul would probably find rest.

Always there

They're there.
Waiting.
Lurking.
Listening for that one moment of silence.

And then they pounce. They puncture the silence with their own untold stories. Their conversations that have yet to be heard.

Heaven help us if there is a second of silence in this house.

Chatter. Constant buzzing. Continual hum of a family. I love it. I wouldn't trade it.
But today, I want just a second. Just a moment of silence.

I sneak away. No one seems to notice.
The bathroom.
I don't even have to go, but I just need to hear "nothing" for a minute.
Quietly, I close the door.
Only a tiny clicking of the latch.
I take a deep breath. One deep breath.


I think I made it.
I listen. It's grown quiet out there. Too quiet.
They're coming.
Someone's coming.

A small knock on the door.
I sort of want to cry.
"Mom," says a sweet little voice.
"Mom, will you listen to my Awanas verses?" she asks.

Nope, not going to listen to your Awanas verses. (Don't worry--I just thought it--really strongly!)
Deep, deep sigh.

"Give me a second and I'll listen to your verses."

"Oh, it's okay," she says, "Take your time. I'll just sit out here and tell you my verses through the door."

And there went my one second of silence.
Verses through the bathroom door.
I guess they'll be a time for quiet later.

Lord, help me to love to listen to my children.
Especially when they are telling me your Word.
But, teach me to teach them how to be silent.
There's a time for that too.
We just don't do that quiet thing well in our family.

Beloved?

A friend, a little further along in life, emailed me the following thoughts on marriage. She has older children, has been married much longer than me, and has great wisdom (hard earned!) regarding both. I thought I'd share her thoughts. I've been pondering them for the last couple days.

Here's what she said:

"Can I sound like an old lady for a second? It seems clearer and clearer to me that how we really live--deep inside--becomes more outwardly evident the older we get."

"With men, they seem to age in two pretty distinct ways: either they become more and more mellow, loving, and gentle---the ones you see trailing their wives at Wal-Mart, patiently acting like they care which brand of sour cream in on sale---or they truly do turn into the proverbial grumpy old men, and their ability to control or hide their grumpiness wears thinner and thinner with the passage of time."

"What strikes me most about the aging process in women, is how the amount they are loved and cherished shows up more and more in their countenances, their attitudes, and their actions. Think of the women you've known who are beautiful as old women. Aren't they always beloved of their husbands? It's almost like the glow of a happily pregnant woman. (Is that one of the characteristics God built into women? That we are light-bearing creatures, able to give off light and warmth to those around us when we ourselves are warm and living in the light of love?) A woman who ages knowing how much she is loved does so with a timeless beauty which emanates from within her."

She ended with this: "So my question is---Is it possible for a married woman, who is not cherished that way, to age gracefully just because she is cherished and loved by her Lord that way? Should be, right?"

Don't you hear the plea in that question? The longing to know that even though on this earth, in this life, she's not felt beloved of her husband, that her Heavenly Groom cherishes her...and that's enough. It's enough to be the bride of Christ. It's enough to be the beloved of her Father in heaven. The love of her Lord is enough to let her age with grace...to grow older with joy...and to radiate love to those around. It's enough. It's more than enough.

We aren't promised love by another person. God's love is unconditional. He's faithful. He's true. The single mom raising three kids with no man to help her? Her Lord is her only groom. The divorced woman living a lonely life and struggling to provide? Her God is her only love. The married woman in a loveless home? Her God cherishes her. God is enough.

Isn't that the plea of all of our hearts? Don't all of us women ache to be loved? To be someone's beloved? Tell us, Lord, that even if we're not fully cherished by someone in this life, that you cherish us. Tell us, Lord, that even if we're not loved in our marriages as Christ loved the church, that you love us that way. Tell us, Lord, that we are your beloved.

I suspect that my dear friend, who lets the Lord sing over her, will grow old gracefully. That the love her Heavenly Father pours over her will overflow to those around her. I suspect she's going to radiate timeless beauty because she is treasured by the King. I'm looking forward to watching.

You first, Dear Friend. Show us how it's done.

Foolish Thoughts as Companions

I'm reading a book on Spiritual Disciplines. Spiritual Disciplines for the Christian Life by Donald Whitney.

It seems as though I'm learning the hard way that many areas of my life need discipline.
For one, the discipline of meditating on scripture. Not just reading scripture, but truly meditating on God's Word.

It's no coincidence that in the midst of my evaluation of my own spiritual discipline, my mind would come under attack. My mind. It's always been a source of a great war in my spiritual life. The Lord warns of our thoughts, so perhaps I'm not alone. Perhaps it's a war zone for everyone. I analyze. I doubt. I remember sins. I harbor grudges. I daydream. I re-live the past. I judge. I write my own gospels.

If I practiced the discipline of meditating on scripture, I'd win more of these battles.
I'm mentally lazy. Dangerous road to walk.
Sin finds a vast playground in the mind.

Take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ. (2 Corinthians 10:5)
Take every thought---hold it up against God's word---discard that which is sinful---think on the things of Him.

That is so simple.
If you have no thoughts.

I should have practiced this verse yesterday morning. I had just been thinking on the practice of capturing my thoughts and making them obedient to Christ. I'm not sure why I must fail at all of these principles before I truly believe they work. Just once, I'd like to do it right the first time.

My sinful mind failed the moment I opened my eyes.
Sometime between 5:30 and 6:00 a.m., as I was wrestling with my alarm clock, someone from my past walked through my mind. Five more minutes of sleep. Just five more minutes. She walked through my mind during those minutes. In hindsight, I should have just got out of bed.

I woke up with just a thought. One thought. This thought threatened to leave. I threatened to take the thought captive and make it obedient to Christ.

I reconsidered. Come back little thought. Too many years have passed for me to think of this person daily. If I let her go this time, I might forget to think on her again. I might forget some of those things that I want to remember. I better talk just for a minute. I'm strong enough. Enough time as passed. I've grown so much since then.

So I invited her to stay. In fact, I spent the morning with her. She reigned in my mind. We talked, we argued, we pleaded our causes to each other, we re-lived the past. I told my side of the story. She told hers. I'm pretty sure I'm still right. I puffed up a bit with pride. I'm still right.

I should have taken those thoughts captive.

God pulled me out of this dialogue in my mind sometime around lunchtime.
Enough.
Enough.

So I've been wondering since then, who really was the fool yesterday morning?
The tugging of the Holy Spirit reminds me that I chose the wrong way to think on such things.
I focused on the ugliness of the past. I forgot God's faithfulness.
I thought on the failures. I forgot how God how been glorified.

I couldn't help the first thought.
By His grace, I could have taken the next thoughts captive.
I could have praised Him immediately.
I could have thanked Him for His faithfulness.
I could have remembered His great love all morning.
I'd like to have that morning back.

An unguarded mind gives birth to sin.
My companions this morning were my foolish thoughts.
What a waste of a morning.

My mind was exhausted after I let the conversation go, I'd been impatient with my children, and I'd solved nothing. The past was still the past. No amount of talking had changed anything. There was still no resolution. There can be no pretty bow on a package of sin. Only the blood of Jesus washes that away. I should have spent the morning at the foot of the cross. My anxious thoughts would have grown strangely dim in the light of Him.

A companion of fools comes to ruin. (Proverbs 13:20)
Our thoughts become our companions.
We are careful to warn our children about their choice of friends.
Our thoughts walk with us too.
They speak to us.
They can build us up in the Lord.
They can also tear us down.
They can be wise.
They can be foolish.

Today...I'm going to take that thought captive and make it obedient to Christ.

Come back, Yesterday Morning, I'd like to do you differently.

A Ruined Life

Big tears ran down her cheeks.
"You've ruined my life!"

I suppose the first time hurts the most.
I've never heard that statement before.
I thought they were a little young to blame me for everything they hate about themselves.
I thought I had a little more time to save for their therapy.

We were in the middle of a reading lesson. The same lesson we've been working on for two weeks. I thought I was being patient.

I did not see it coming.
She's four. Four. I thought she still adored me.
Who could have guessed?

We were reading the extent of ten words on the page. We'd been sounding them out for twenty minutes. She knew not one. Not one. I might have gone into that squeaky voice just for a second. THE WORD IS "THAT." It was "THAT" five seconds ago when we sounded it out the first time. The letters haven't changed. It's still "that"!

And then the dreaded crocodile tears...followed by a little whimpering...the chin quiver...
"I actually knew that word, Mom. YOU'VE RUINED MY LIFE. I could have sounded that out on my own."

How was I to know that all-of-the-sudden---in the midst of the phonetic struggle---that she had figured out that word.

I'm thinking about NOT teaching her to read.
That ought to ruin her life, don't you think?

Consider This...

My friend, Heather, sent me a quote this morning from the book, The Darkness and the Glory, by Greg Harris.

Just in case we think we are above any sin...

Anyone doubting the extent of Satan's power to tempt should consider this: holy angels in God's holy presence, surrounded by the majesty and the glory of the Godhead and their dwelling place, still were deceived by empty promises and enticements from the evil one.

She reminded me that "One third of the angels fell with Satan." ONE THIRD OF THE ANGELS FELL WITH SATAN. They were surrounded by God's holiness and they were still deceived. We are not "safe from temptation."

Our ability to be tempted and to sin should drive us to the foot of the cross in humility.

But by God's grace, go I...

Any Sin?

Any believer is capable of ANY sin.
If you don't believe that, you don't know the human heart.
True believers repent.
False believers stay in their sin.
(Pastor Bret Capranica, Oct. 2, 2011)

Do you believe you are capable of any sin?
Do I believe I'm capable of any sin?
Any sin? Murder? No way.
Adultery? Not happening.
Violence? Nope, not me.
I couldn't do that. I wouldn't do that. Never.

I know I can steal, cheat, and lie.
I know I can dishonor my parents.
I know I can covet what someone else has.
I know I have idols.
I'll admit the above.
Murder.
Adultery.
Violence.
Rage.
Not guilty.

And then God gently rebukes...
Have you hated?
Yes.
I have hated with every ounce of energy in my body.
Have your mind and heart always belonged solely to your husband?
Hmmm...no comment.
Guilty.

It's possible to have never taken a human life, yet murdered a thousand times in hate.
It's possible to be a virgin with the heart of a harlot.
"If any of you is without sin, cast the first stone." (John 8:7)
I'd have to drop my stone every time.

God knows my heart.
I'm guilty of great sin.
I'm capable of any sin.

God in His graciousness shows us the secret darkness bound up in our hearts.
It's all there. The potential for every sin.
It's waiting for opportunity, weakness, and desire to coincide.
It's waiting for the chance to rear its ugly head to devour.
I've seen it in my life.
I've seen it in the lives of others.
I'll never say "I'll never do that" because I've done some of the things that I knew I'd never do.
I'm the wretch the song is talking about. He "saved a wretch like me."
God knew our need for a Savior.
And He sent One for us before we asked.
He sent His Son to save us from the sins we "knew" we'd never commit.
He saved us before we wanted to be saved.

Our ability to sin is not a barometer by which to judge our salvation.
Believers can fall. True believers can fall.
But...true believers repent. True believers repent.
That's the difference.
Repentance is the difference between life and death. Eternally.