Sick of Struggling

You know, I get so sick of struggling through my sin.
Sometimes I'm sick of the sin itself.
Sometimes, I honestly get frustrated that God won't just let me sit in it.
Come on, Lord---why can't I just sit here a while longer? I like this particular sin. I like this attitude. Why are you robbing me of the joy of living in it?

It's hard to sift through all of the areas that need purified.
Where to start?
Just as one area becomes cleansed, some other area of putrid filth rears its head calling on only the Holy Lord to fix.
His great love and holiness prevents us from sitting forever in our sin.
He makes us too uncomfortable.
Being uncomfortable in our sin is part of the struggle.
That's a gift.
It's evidence of sanctification.
As Paul says in Philippians 2:12 "Continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose."
Isn't there a constant tension as our flesh reveals itself and the
Holy Spirit works to combat it?
Shouldn't we struggle living in this world?
It's not our home.
What does it say about the state of our spiritual health if there is no struggle?

As a young woman, a wise friend asked me the state of my spiritual life.
Talk about a pointed question.
Everyone should have a friend willing to ask them that question.
I contemplated lying...
I knew all the "right" answers...
I'd said all the Christian phrases...
However, boldness sometimes invites honesty. Sometimes.
I answered truthfully, "I'm so tired of struggling with this. Where's the victory?"

She nodded her head and chuckled, "The struggle keeps you needing Him. I'd be more worried about you if you told me you weren't struggling with anything."
Defiantly, I claimed, "I'd need Him anyway. I don't need to struggle."
But the sad truth for me is that moments of great triumph and blessing in my life have often been eerily silent of my need for the Lord.

As I'm sick of my own struggle this week, it seems I need an attitude change toward the struggle itself.
Could I take joy in the struggle knowing that sanctification is on the other side?
Could I embrace the effort of working through my layered issues knowing that for now, this keeps me needing the Lord?"

It seems Christians should be able to openly answer at any time,
"How's the state of your spiritual life?"
and
"What's God letting you struggle with right now?"

And if those questions are offensive to us...
Perhaps we need to kneel before Him and check the state of our heart...

After the plane lands...

Getting the homecoming call thrills the entire house...
Watching the plane land makes the families giddy with excitement...
Catching the first glimpse of him exiting the plane (last, of course) results in us all jumping with joy...
Stealing the first kiss brings comfort that he's safe...
Remembering how to be a family again...well, that takes work...

The days following a deployment...

A compassionate wife would wonder...
What's it like for him to leave his family, step into a world completely foreign to most people, do a job that you can't speak of, and then listen to others--who haven't been--share their opinions on what you're doing?

What's it like to have an aerial view in an arena that most of us don't understand?

What's it like to only know your part (your view through a soda straw) of the military puzzle and rely on the intel of others to inform you about the rest of the picture?

What's it like for him to do what he does?

A gracious wife might ask...
How do you prepare answers to the questions people ask about our role "over there" when you DO have a deep, gut opinion about the whole situation overseas, but you have to be careful in your speech---oh-so-careful about what you say...

A kind wife wouldn't ask questions that she knows you can't answer...
And she certainly wouldn't get irritated when you choose not to answer...
She would know the protocol by now...
She would understand...

A patient wife might ask him...
How do you make the switch from a combat mind-set to a family mind-set on the couple day plane trip home?
One day you are on 24 hour alert...
The next day you can let down your guard and sleep sound...
Over there people looked to you for leadership...
Over here you are trying to figure out how to lead a family that has led itself for the past couple months...

A loving wife would want to know...
How do you feel as the plane bringing you home makes it's final descent to your home base?
What are you thinking the moment you see your family waving the welcome signs anxious for your return?
What's it like to step back into your home for the first time after a deployment?
How excited are you to re-engage your kids?
How ready are you to reconnect with your wife?
How nervous are you to work your way back into a family that found a new way to function while you were gone?
What's that like?

A Proverbs 31 wife would take a deep breath, hold her tongue, and come along side her husband as he resumes his role...

I am that wife only on paper...
In real life, I'm too busy trying to make him understand what it's like to be the one on the ground holding the sign...

I love the idea of my family being back together...
I anticipated February 24th for two months...
But, putting our family back together takes time...and grace...and patience...and gentleness...and love...and the power of God...and more grace...
If I could just take this martyr hat off for a moment, I might fully enjoy not being in charge...

The wife I want to be would have already thrown away the "Welcome Home" signs and fully welcomed her husband back into the family...
But, for some reason, I'm still trying to let him know what it's like to be the ones at home...
The ones holding the signs...

It's been ten days...
It's time to throw away the signs...