Monday, December 17, 2012

My 6-Year-Old

All of the sudden I can't get enough of my 6-year-old.
Her beautiful long hair. 
Her shining eyes. 
Her pout. 
I can't stop touching her.  Hugging her.   Pulling her close.  
I have an insatiable appetite for all of my kids right now, but particularly the 6-year-old. 
Because I still have her today.    And I feel so blessed.   

Several nights ago, I lost sleep because of her.
I wasn't home and my older son was watching her for thirty minutes before my husband got home.
My cell phone rang not too long after I had left.    
"Savannah swallowed a metal ball."  
I knew exactly the ball he was talking about.   It's slightly larger than a marble and it belongs to a magnet kit the kids own.  It's the perfect choker.  
He didn't sound overly stressed though, just a little annoyed.  
"Can she breathe?" 
"She's freaking out, Mom." 
My heart began racing.  
"Freaking out because she can't breathe or freaking out because she swallowed it and she's scared?"
"She can breathe.  She's just totally freaking out."
"Put her on the phone."    
And then the mostly beautiful thing I'd heard that week. 
Her crying, hysterical voice.  
Because if she was crying, she was breathing.   
We talked for a bit and she calmed down as my heart slowly began to settle. 
She's fine.  She can breathe.  She's fine.  She can breathe.   Be still my heart.
In a second, you realize how quickly life could change.    

I laid in bed late that night fighting different scenarios in my mind. 
As I tossed and turned, I failed repeatedly to cast those thoughts on to the Lord. 
Over and over again, fear pounced.  Something terrible could have happened...and I wouldn't have been there...I wouldn't have been there...I wouldn't have been there...
God would have been there, though. 
But I want to be there, Lord.  I want to be there.    

And then Connecticut.  
I've laid in the bed these last nights, I'm sure like so many others, and imagined myself as one of those parents.   Could anything hurt worse than what they are going through?   
I've imagined too much. 
I've imagined being a mom, whose child had a slight runny nose that morning, but she thought that it would be no big deal.   It's just a runny nose.   Go on to school. 
I've imagined being the mom, whose 6-year-old child was only a little sick, but she chose to keep her child home from school that day.   Stay home today, Little One.   We have a big weekend planned and we need you well.    
I've imagined being the mom...this would be me...the one who was a little too short-tempered at bedtime the night before and hastily put her kids in bed because they were crabby and she was tired.   I'd like her to have that night back to do differently.         
This burden is just too heavy to carry.
I've imagined carrying this load and I crumble every time.  

My mom always shares her hard-earned wisdom with me, and as a teen I remember being particularly troubled by a trial that was facing a friend.   I was overwhelmed for my friend and I questioned if I would ever be strong enough to carry something so big, "If God asked you to carry such a load, He would help you.   He's not asking you to carry this, so you don't have the strength for it.  You can't carry a load not meant for you.  You can't imagine the strength He would give you if this was truly yours to carry."
I'm trusting that God will do the carrying for those Connecticut parents. 
Because when I imagine how heavy this burden must be...
It's more than anyone can stand.       

And then this thought keeps haunting me.   
Could I praise you, Lord?
Could I praise you?
Could I praise Him?     
Would I fall into His arms knowing that He is good...He is good...He is good...somehow, even in this, God is still good. 
Or would I curl up in the fetal position, close my fists, and shake them at Him?
I don't know. 
I've not been tested in such a way.   
I want to have the faith that praises Him.  
No matter what.
But I really don't want to know if God is big enough to carry something of this size.  
I really don't.     


But Lord, this would be a great week for you to come back.  
Living in this world hurts. 
Come back for your birthday.  

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