Sunday, August 21, 2011

Spiritual Schizophrenic

I know I'm saved. I have no doubts Jesus died on the cross for my sins. That I've been bought at a price. That my salvation is secure in the hands of a faithful God. That before I was born, He called me to Himself.

BUT I AM ALL OVER THE PLACE SPIRITUALLY! Is there medication for this?

At the beginning of last week, I was so spiritually encouraged that I think my faith could have moved mountains. I was praising the Lord. Thirsting for His Word. Confident of His loving Hands.

Sometime between Wednesday at midnight and Thursday at noon, I fell off my spiritual mountaintop and have been lacking ever since. I've stared blankly at my Bible. Fallen asleep when I've tried to pray. Felt no nudging by the Holy Spirit. I think I fell off the wagon.

Today in church we were singing Here I am. I think Phillips, Craig, and Dean sing it. Maybe another group sings it too, but it's always been one of my favorites.

I was thinking as I was singing...I wasn't worshipping. My fault. My sin. My mind spoke a disclaimer after every verse we sang.

Here I am to know my mind's wandering, Lord.
Here I am to bow myself since I've been my own idol.
Here I am to say that you're my God...sometimes you are...when I put you in your rightful place in my life.
You're all together are, Lord.
Altogether worthy....why don't I treat you that way?
Altogether wonderful to me...

And then I started to cry. Not because I was repentant or moved. Simply because I was spiritually tired. I couldn't even focus. My son looked at me and said, "Why are you crying, Mom?" I had to be honest. "I'm tired." I wish I could have said to him that I was crying because I was so thankful or so overwhelmed by God's love or so repentant or even that I was sad over an event. I was simply crying because I was just spiritually tired. I think I was crying because I wasn't anything. I was almost apathetic. That's pathetic.

Last week, we sang Blessed Be Your Name and I wanted to run around and shout for joy. I was so moved by the unity we have in Christ. I was so overwhelmed by God's love for me. I almost ran up and gave Dawson a high-five after the song.

A mere week later, my soul is searching for a safe place to land as I'm sitting in the Lord's house. I know the safe place, but my soul was still searching in spite of knowing the truth.

A spiritual schizophrenic. Loving the Lord. Doubting the Lord. Trusting the Lord. Trusting myself. Serving out of love. Serving out of duty. Joyful. Resentful. Praising. Complaining. Generous. Greedy. Mature in Christ. Immature in Christ.

Which one am I? All of those things. I'm all of those things.

I love David. David of the Bible, that is.

(Sidenote: One time I told Preston that I had a crush on David. His eyes widened and he exclaimed, "David Thompson!" He's a good friend of ours. NOOO. Not David Thompson. David of the Bible. Preston doesn't really care if I have a crush on David of the Bible. He's been dead a really long time and apparently Preston's not threatened by dead people. But I don't say that anymore. I guess it's not appropriate.)

Anyway, David wrote a majority of the Psalms and he is truly all over the place emotionally. He prays for God's revenge on people. He dances for joy before the Lord. He groans in tears. He shouts praises to God. David is emotional. Through all of those emotions though, he always takes them before the Lord. David's God is my God. God understands these emotions. David was called "a man after God's own heart" and he was emotionally CRAZY. Maybe there's hope. Possibly I just need to follow David's example and pour out all these emotions before the Lord, let Him sift them, and trust Him to discipline me back to His truth.

Recently, I spoke a bit too loudly to my kids and then a second later I laughed at a joke one of my sons was telling me. My oldest son said, "Mom, that was weird. You were yelling at us and then you randomly burst into laughter over Josh's joke."

I tried to pull the "David" card. I tried to explain that I was a bit like David. I used my teaching holy voice. "Kids, if you read Psalms you'll see that David loves and hates within some of the same Psalms."

Yeah, not wise. I'm pretty sure that was the wrong use of the David card! David's emotional example in Psalms is his emotional pouring out before the Lord. Not in his sporadic treatment of others. Bummer. And then to put icing on an improper use of David's example, I hear...

"Mom, you are nothing like David." Ouch.
Trying to soften the statement a bit, he says,
"I mean, you're a girl for one."

Why must they be so honest?

Maybe I'll just take comfort in knowing that while I'm actually nothing like the David in the Bible that we have the same God that David had. God created our emotions. We can pour all of our emotions out before the Lord...even our lack of emotion. The mountaintops serve to encourage us...the valleys grow our faith.

What do the "in-betweens" do? The times when we aren't on the mountain or in the valley? I seem to be "there" a lot. Maybe that's the perseverance of our faith. God is God. That never changes regardless of where we are on the journey. Thank goodness.

Tomorrow's a new day. His promises are new.

Maybe I'll listen to Here I am to Worship in the morning. Maybe I'll just worship with a heart full of praise. Or maybe I'll still cry. But God is God. The same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. He doesn't change...He never fails. He's a Rock. He's the Rock that a spiritual schizophrenic needs to hide under. I think I'm going to go hide for a while.

1 comment:

  1. michelle, i resonate with so many of your posts and thoughts. thank you so much for "publishing" your words! ;-) this one especially speaks to me today, as i so often find myself in the same places, with the same emotions, or lack thereof. so, again, thank you for expressing these feelings and thoughts in such a beautiful way!! God has given you a gift and you are honoring Him by using it here. ~kirsten